Venting

I really need to just bitch it out right now. This post will just be a random vent. Like most people, I feel better after a good whine, and since I have no close friends- this blog is my outlet. So, here it goes.

I'm not loving my sleep schedule. In bed at 7-8pm, back up at 11 or so. Back in bed around 12, back up around 1:30. Then the fun starts. Up until 3:30, back up by 4:15, back in bed no earlier than 5:30, then back up within 45 minutes. I wish "back in bed" meant asleep. It does not. It simply means I'm either laying in bed or sitting up in the recliner with Haven on my chest. He's having a rough time right now.. which brings me to:

Colic. Ugh.

We dealt with it with Liam, and it appears we're headed in that direction again. My postpartum depression reached its worse points during Liam's colic. I'm going to start following an elimination diet Monday. Which brings me to:

Breastfeeding. WHY won't it work?!?! Seriously? Is it too much to ask for my breasts to work as they are intended? I don't understand why it has to be such a battle. Haven will only latch for a few seconds. Just long enough to wind up and shriek. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing works. My supply is suffering and he's getting 2-3 bottles of formula a day. I'm upgrading to a better pump and just keeping at it. But, pumping sucks. Especially at night when Haven takes up to 2 hours to fall asleep. Because I'm holding him, pumping has to wait until he's been asleep for long enough to put him down. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, and the only thing keeping me going is my sister being here. And she goes home Monday. Then it's just me on my own... with two kids from 8am to 5:30pm.

Speaking of kids, Liam has dived headfuckingfirst into terrible two's. His straight up defiance is the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered. He will straight up refuse to do what is asked of him, and then laugh about it. Time out doesn't faze him. I've even spanked him, and not gently, and had him look at me and laugh. I don't know where it comes from, but he is absolutely rotten. To the point I have a hard time even being around him a lot of the time because he's so infuriating.

My biggest source of sadness comes from the way my husband looks at me when I ask him to take the baby because I just cannot handle any more right now.

I am really struggling right now. And there's no relief or reprieve at this point. There's just getting through the day, however I can. And keeping in mind that Haven will eventually sleep more, he won't die if I have to formula feed him, and Liam will eventually grow out of whatever phase this is.