I haven't blogged in a while. Bluntly, I just haven't been feeling like it. School is overwhelming. Life is overwhelming. Most days, I just barely hover at simply being able to function. The depression is back full force, and the medication is doing absolutely nothing to help it. I'm in an incredibly dark place, and my only goal is making it through the day without my children seeing just how broken I actually am. That takes more energy than I usually have. So by the time they're in bed and I can actually just let it out, there's too much housework and school work to give myself time to grieve.
It seems weird, needing to grieve. But it is what I need. To grieve the loss of the person I used to be. When I was hopeful about my life, my children, my everything. Now, I just go through the motions with the glimmer of hope that they'll end up ok at the end. I've lost all hope for me. I'm a shell. A medicated shell of the woman I once was. I had hopes, dreams, goals. Plans of how our life would be, how beautiful it would be. Now it's just the realization that I am a mother, stuck in my situation, suffering from so far untreatable mental illness.
My kids are safe. I'm safe. They'll hopefully never experience the turmoil I claw my way through daily. I could never walk away from them. I can't ever stop trying to be a good mother, even at the cost of myself. The only support system I have is my husband. And his job and own stress leaves him with little to spare. I prefer that the little he can give, he gives to the kids. They need that.
Me? I need time to grieve the loss of me, time to heal these deep wounds. And that's time I simply don't have.
Now, it's time to clean the disgusting mess my home has become. Time to mother my children. Time to hold on to the last shred of of willpower I have- even if it only gets me through the rest of the day.
Hey hon,
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having such a rough time right now. Please keep the thought in your head that it will get better. Do you have a good doctor? Or anyone nearby you can use for childcare to get a break? Maybe a gym that offers childcare, even if you just sit in the sauna for half an hour =). Spring is coming, it'll get better.
xo
K
I have an appointment with my doctor on the 17th. He'll likely up the dosage on my antidepressant, which is fairly normal around this far into taking it. Today, we left the kids with my mother in law and went grocery shopping, just the two of us. I'd love to get a sitter and go out for a movie or something, but things are so crazy right now. We're moving at the end of the month, so we're starting to pack.
ReplyDeleteOnce we move though, I'm finding a good sitter and we're getting out at least once a month. Since both kids stay asleep at night, we can catch a late movie and a bite to eat without me worrying that they'll be sad and awful the whole time.
I can't wait for warmer weather! The new place is right across the street from a little natural foods store that also serves meals, has wifi, and the regular lady likes holding Haven. :-) Plus, the community center up the street has play groups twice a week and a playground, plus a huge field to run around in.
I know things will get better. Even when they sometimes don't seem like it. :-)
You can still have YOU time and COUPLE time without a sitter. Because the kids sleep through the night you can plan a date night in. Make it romantic. Do a picnic in the living room or with the nice weather out of doors. Pick a movie and make "movie popcorn" have some beverages and snacks and snuggle while watching the movie. As for YOU time. The housework will be there tomorrow. You are raising children not a house. YOUR home does not need to be BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, it needs to be an environment of love, security and happiness. The saying that if Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy is true. So take time for you. It seems selfish but if you don't your kids will be 11 and 15 and you will realize that you missed 5 years of their lives "just getting by" and hoping they didn't notice (and they did by the way). I understand mental illness and needing to treat for that, but don't forget to nurture your soul. YOU can still have dreams and YOU are still a person outside of being a mom. If you are anything like me (and we have said in the past how similar we are) you can't focus on your dreams until your kids have theirs. So know that some day the kids will be grown and you will once again have a life without kids and a chance to pursue your dreams. BIG HUGS because it DOES get better.
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