Not feeling it

I haven't blogged in a while. Bluntly, I just haven't been feeling like it. School is overwhelming. Life is overwhelming. Most days, I just barely hover at simply being able to function. The depression is back full force, and the medication is doing absolutely nothing to help it. I'm in an incredibly dark place, and my only goal is making it through the day without my children seeing just how broken I actually am. That takes more energy than I usually have. So by the time they're in bed and I can actually just let it out, there's too much housework and school work to give myself time to grieve.

It seems weird, needing to grieve. But it is what I need. To grieve the loss of the person I used to be. When I was hopeful about my life, my children, my everything. Now, I just go through the motions with the glimmer of hope that they'll end up ok at the end. I've lost all hope for me. I'm a shell. A medicated shell of the woman I once was. I had hopes, dreams, goals. Plans of how our life would be, how beautiful it would be. Now it's just the realization that I am a mother, stuck in my situation, suffering from so far untreatable mental illness.

My kids are safe. I'm safe. They'll hopefully never experience the turmoil I claw my way through daily. I could never walk away from them. I can't ever stop trying to be a good mother, even at the cost of myself. The only support system I have is my husband. And his job and own stress leaves him with little to spare. I prefer that the little he can give, he gives to the kids. They need that.

Me? I need time to grieve the loss of me, time to heal these deep wounds. And that's time I simply don't have.

Now, it's time to clean the disgusting mess my home has become. Time to mother my children. Time to hold on to the last shred of of willpower I have- even if it only gets me through the rest of the day.

Easy Crockpot Vegan Stew

As usual, my photos rock.

This meal is ugly, but oh so yummy.

To fill a 6qt crock pot.

1 can beans of your choice
1 cup lentils (or another can of beans)
1 bag each: frozen spinach, frozen mixed vegetables
1 cup textured vegetable protein (or 1/2lb ground beef)
1 cup vegan sausage crumbles (or 1 cup cooked sausage)
1 can stewed tomatoes, with juice
3 cups vegetable stock (or beef stock or water)
3-4 large onions
5-6 large potatoes
4-5 celery stalks
3-4 carrots

Dump everything except the onions, potatoes, tvp, and 1 cup of the stock in the crock pot.
Brown the onions in a little oil. Add to crock pot.
Dice potatoes, celery and carrots. Add to crock pot.
Reconstitute the tvp with the reserved stock. Let sit ten minutes. Then add to crock pot.

On low, this will take 6-7 hours. You want to check the doneness of the lentils about 4 hours in. If they still have significant crunch, crank it up to high. When the lentils are soft, this is ready.

Season with salt and pepper right before serving. Potatoes absorb salt and will pull the salt flavor right out of the stew if you add it too early.

Facebook

I'm taking a break from Facebook this weekend. In fact, unless I leave the house alone, my phone is off all weekend. I decided that I need some time to reconnect with my family. We're so busy lately between school, work, babies, errands, etc. It'll be nice to devote two days to my husband and kids.

I've been on the Zoloft for about 4 weeks now. I feel really good. There's still some groggy parts to my day, but overall- I'm a new person. There have been no freakouts, no panic attacks. I haven't even filled my new Xanax prescription because I just haven't needed it. I'm on a low dose of Zoloft, but it feels like I just needed something to take the edge of.

The kids are great! Liam finally figured out how to enunciate "r", so ice cream and the like are coming out perfectly. Haven is growing like a weed and in that giggly grasping for everything stage. He's sleeping about ten hours a night, with only one food break in the middle.

Overall, life is good. I have some recipes and such to post next week, so keep an eye out for those!

Granola bars

So impossibly easy.

4 cups oatmeal
1/2 cup chia seeds
1/4 cup dried cherries
1/2 cup raw almonds, chopped
1/3 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup honey or maple syrup
1 teaspoon cinnamon

Mix the first four in a large bowl.
Mix the last four in a pan and bring to a boil. Then pour over the dry mix and stir well.
Pour into foil or parchment lined 9x13 pan. Then even out and smooth. These are baked at 350 for 15 minutes, or until edges and top are browned.
Rest five minutes, then lift out liner. Use a knife to cut into bars. Let cool completely before handling.
Best stored in fridge, in air tight container. But can be put in a baggie for travel.

Lunch

This was so easy!

Add 1/2 cup quinoa and 1 cup water to a pan. Bring to a boil, then lower heat, cover and simmer for 12-15 minutes.

Dump on a plate. In pan, add 1-2 cups spinach, 1-2 cups halved brussel sprouts, 1/2 cup white beans and 1 cup cooked vegan sausage. Cook over medium for about 8 minutes.

Add quinoa back in and stir to combine.

Apple Cinnamon Granola

I paid $7 for a tiny bag of granola last night. And realized while happily munching it, that I have everything I need to make granola. So, I made some. For less than half that for a big quart jar.

My preferred way to eat it is like cereal with some almond milk.

This recipe isn't an exact thing. You can use nearly anything in it. General rule of thumb is for every cup of "dry", use 1/2 cup of "wet". But, here how I made mine.

In a large bowl I mixed 3 cup rolled oats, 3/4 cup flaked organic coconut, 1/2 cup flax seeds, 1/2 cup raw sunflower seeds, and 1/4 cup chia seeds.

I then grated 2 gala apples and put them in a pan with about 1 1/2 cups of water, a pinch of cinnamon, and a pinch of salt. I simmered this over medium heat until it was pretty much applesauce with some apple 'shreds' left. I then added 1/4 cup honey and 1/3 cup coconut oil. If you don't want to use any oil, just add more applesauce.

Then I mixed the wet into the dry and baked at 300 for about an hour, stirring every 10 minutes or so. You want a golden brown color.

Next time, I'd like to add some dried apples, strawberries, or bananas. Maybe some slivered almonds. You really can put whatever that you like in. You can even swap out the honey for maple syrup or another liquid sweetener. Don't like apples? Try some pear. 

But for my quick breakfast needs, this is perfect.

Apple Sandwich

My toddler has hit the picky eater stage. If it's not in nugget or chip form, he doesn't want it. Unless it's a peanut butter sandwich. Seth sent me a link with fun food tips. This was one of them.

Core an apple and slice it thinly into rings. Then just slap some nut butter on a ring and top it with another slice.

Yummy snack.
Happy toddler.