I'm lonely

I was trying to think of a quirky title for this post, but what it really boils down to is simple: I'm lonely. And frustrated. I just keep trying to remind myself that starting next month, I have my own gas/trip budget. I can use it to go see my mom or friends, or take Liam into town for ice cream and a stroll. I just.... I feel unattractive. Not in a physical sense. I just remember the years when I had more friends than I had time for, more of a social life than any other aspect of my life. I feel like being a stay at home mommy of one, pregnant, budgeted to the dollar, and quirky is making me unapproachable. Add in some social anxiety... I should just adopt 25 cats and be done with it. Sigh.

I don't blame my marriage or motherhood for the lack of social contact. I blame me. Prior to having Liam, I had a job that kept me in contact with a ton of people. Mostly college students, but it was fun all the same. Since then, my friends have dwindled to the point that my last 'in real life' friend is moving across the country. I have been trying to make new friends here, and I've started becoming friends with one mother with a son close to Liam's age. But, she works like a normal person, and getting our schedules to match up won't be nearly as frequent as I would like. I'm becoming my mother... striking up conversations with people at the grocery store. Anything to get some adult interaction. I really need to find some like-minded mamas in my area. Which is not impossible, but does require more effort than I'm used to putting forth. And that's scary. Putting myself out there.

My hopes:
to meet people at the farm when we go to pick up our CSA
to be more outgoing and actually talk to people when we're out
to be overjoyed when the little man and I can have real conversations and he can tell me he wants to go have pizza or go for a walk or to the park
to rekindle the friendship I had with my husband

That last one is the big one. When we first got together, we really only hung out with each other. And we had a freakin blast, all the time. I miss that. We just need to adjust it to include the +1.5 kids. I miss the fun, and there's no reason we're not still there.

My other hope.... is to find a church I feel comfortable going to. I'm not a crazy uber Christian.. and I'm actually terrified of Jesus freaks. I believe, in God. I believe, in following the Bible as I interpret it- not how some pastor or priest interprets it. The most widely used bible version is a version that King James had specifically edited to fit his moral compass. To me, that doesn't make it bad- just not something to take as the all knowing word of God. It's a guide and storybook. A guide to help a person on their own personal path. I need a path.

Off topic like crrrrazy, lol. I need a sense of belonging. And where better to find that than with others looking for the same thing.