Venting

I really need to just bitch it out right now. This post will just be a random vent. Like most people, I feel better after a good whine, and since I have no close friends- this blog is my outlet. So, here it goes.

I'm not loving my sleep schedule. In bed at 7-8pm, back up at 11 or so. Back in bed around 12, back up around 1:30. Then the fun starts. Up until 3:30, back up by 4:15, back in bed no earlier than 5:30, then back up within 45 minutes. I wish "back in bed" meant asleep. It does not. It simply means I'm either laying in bed or sitting up in the recliner with Haven on my chest. He's having a rough time right now.. which brings me to:

Colic. Ugh.

We dealt with it with Liam, and it appears we're headed in that direction again. My postpartum depression reached its worse points during Liam's colic. I'm going to start following an elimination diet Monday. Which brings me to:

Breastfeeding. WHY won't it work?!?! Seriously? Is it too much to ask for my breasts to work as they are intended? I don't understand why it has to be such a battle. Haven will only latch for a few seconds. Just long enough to wind up and shriek. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing works. My supply is suffering and he's getting 2-3 bottles of formula a day. I'm upgrading to a better pump and just keeping at it. But, pumping sucks. Especially at night when Haven takes up to 2 hours to fall asleep. Because I'm holding him, pumping has to wait until he's been asleep for long enough to put him down. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, and the only thing keeping me going is my sister being here. And she goes home Monday. Then it's just me on my own... with two kids from 8am to 5:30pm.

Speaking of kids, Liam has dived headfuckingfirst into terrible two's. His straight up defiance is the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered. He will straight up refuse to do what is asked of him, and then laugh about it. Time out doesn't faze him. I've even spanked him, and not gently, and had him look at me and laugh. I don't know where it comes from, but he is absolutely rotten. To the point I have a hard time even being around him a lot of the time because he's so infuriating.

My biggest source of sadness comes from the way my husband looks at me when I ask him to take the baby because I just cannot handle any more right now.

I am really struggling right now. And there's no relief or reprieve at this point. There's just getting through the day, however I can. And keeping in mind that Haven will eventually sleep more, he won't die if I have to formula feed him, and Liam will eventually grow out of whatever phase this is.

Haven's Birth Story

December 7, 2012

We checked into the hospital that night at 6pm for my scheduled induction. The nurse recommended we go eat, as getting everything going would take a long time. We decided not to venture out, and instead grabbed a quick bite in the hospital's cafeteria. When we got back, we settled in. At some point I was examined and had dilated 2cm in two days, and I was also having contractions, so it was possible I was already in early labor. We were elated.. until they later explained the massive amount of fluid was basically causing my contraction to have the effect of squeezing a fully inflated basketball. (No progress.) Normally, contractions are like squeezing a partially deflated basketball. They squeeze the uterus. That was not happening with me.

 I had a mini freakout at some point. A doctor checked me on the basis of breaking my water, but Haven wasn't down far enough and there was significant risk of his cord coming out first with the gush of fluid- and that would result in an immediate c section.

So we basically sat around all night, tried to sleep. Which is super fun with nurses coming in every half hour or so. Anyway, around 9am, Haven's head was down far enough that the doctor felt comfortable breaking my water. So that happened. and OMG, ew. I won't go into detail, but Seth looked horrified. So, things progressed from there. I was given Pitocin and about an hour later requested an epidural. Sweet relief, lol. It didn't work with Liam and labor was awful. But this time, I could have cried from the relief.

At around 2pm, the epidural began to wear off and contractions got painful again. The doctor who came in checked my cervix and not only was I at a 7.5, but Haven had flipped sunny side up. By this point, the contractions were unbearable and I asked for the epidural meds to be done again. Before they called the anesthesiologist, they had me roll to my right side and then back to see if Haven would turn. Well, not only did he turn, but that threw me right to a 10 and it was time to push. No more epidural for me.

The room immediately filled with people: 2 doctors, a med student I allowed in, my nurse, and the NICU team. By the time I got to pushing, I basically propelled Haven out in 4 pushes in under 3 minutes. It was absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt, but in a primal way- it was awesome! I could feel my body bringing him out in to the world. And though I'm definitely asking for an epidural if we have more children, it was cool to experience the last part of labor completely raw and unmedicated. His Apgar scores were all 9's and 10's. He was perfect, but really puffy. We got to spend a little bit of time with him before the NICU team took him upstairs to be evaluated. I had a 2nd degree tear, so they repaired that.

Once they were done, and it was just the nurse, Seth and I, a machine blew- arcing in the room, smelling of smoke. So we got moved to a different room to finish up the postpartum care. My blood pressure was a little high but I felt fine otherwise. As soon as they'd take me up, we went to the NICU. Haven's blood sugar was low, so he was looked at until about 7, then brought to my room.

We did a short stay, and went home nearly exactly 24 hours after Haven was born.

Overall, the birth experience wasn't great, but was far better than what I experienced having Liam. All except for one nurse, the staff was fantastic.

Since we've been home, I look like this most of the time:

And Haven looks like this pretty much all the time:

He's a mostly chill baby, but has a nearly by the clock grumpy period in the evening. Liam is an awesome big brother, and Seth is again proving himself to be an awesome daddy. :-)

Grief

Today is a sad day, not only for me, but for the nation, for the families affected by the tragedy in CT, and locally- for the family and friends of Adam Chase.

You may remember a post I had months ago about a high school friend who had gone missing. As it turns out, he was never missing. He was murdered by his wife, who them dismembered and burned his remains. His wife is currently remanded to the jail without bail. She deserves every bit of what she gets. But there's another victim in this story- their child. Fatherless since June, and now also without his mother.

Days like today sometimes make me question our decision to bring a child into the world. I look into the faces of my beautiful children and wonder if their futures will be filled with the same tragedies and sadness that so many children on a global level face. Abuse, sexual trauma, war, hunger, and those rare instances like today- when some sick fuck opens fire on children. Those parents will never go a day, for the rest of their lives, without wondering what they could have done to prevent this. How they could have saved their child's life. And if they ever do come to terms with what happened, nothing will ever fill the gaping hole left when a child is lost.

I simply can't share the birth of Haven with you today. Not when my heart is so broken over the senseless deaths, both far away, and close by.

However, I will share 3 photos today. If for no other reason than to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world, even when it can be nearly impossible to find.

Please note: I'm not sitting around in my bra. Tan tank top is slipping down.

Quick post

Haven was born on 12/8/12 at 2:33pm, weighing 9lbs, 7oz. He is completely healthy, and we are home and happy after less than 24 hours in the hospital postpartum. I will update later in the week with photos and our birth story!

Having Haven Tomorrow

Well, scheduled to be induced tomorrow anyway. We'll see how long that actually takes. As of last night, I'm 3cm dilated and 75% effaced, so there's a decent chance I'll have him before the evening is out tomorrow.

I'm excited. And nervous. And scared. I worry my sweet little Liam will be sad that Seth and I are both gone. He loves Seth's mom, but it'll be the longest stretch of time he's ever been away from me. I am thankful that she is coming here to stay with him though. After Haven is born and Seth has had time to rest, I plan on sending him home. The only deviation from that is if I feel well enough to come home and Haven is cleared to leave. I see no need to stay the full two days in the hospital. I hated it last time. Being stuck in a weird smelling room, on a really uncomfortable mattress, away from my things and my home. No thank you.

Seth will have 3 days off for sure next week. And my sister is willing to come stay a few days too. So I'l have the help I need and Liam will be kept occupied.

So, that's all on this end! Expect a post and some photos next week sometime. :-)

The Jacobs Go Veg! (kinda)

This post gets a little bit preachy, a little bit judgy, and a whole lot bitchy. Just warning ya!


I have decided to make a lifestyle change. Beginning this next Monday, I will no longer be consuming meat. From there on, I will begin slowly phasing out all dairy products.

Why?

It's simple. I cannot preach to be an advocate for abused animals while choosing to consume them. There is NO difference between eating a cow and eating a cat or dog. I don't see myself serving up our cat any time soon, so why should I be ok with serving up a steak or piece of chicken? I just can't deny the walking contradiction I've become as far as things like that go. For a long time, I have justified the use of animals for food because it's a cheap protein. Both chicken breasts and ground beef are $1.99/lb where I shop. But then it occurred to me, alternative sources of protein, especially in bulk, are far cheaper. So my financial reasoning didn't make sense.

Taste? Sure, ok. Not much beats a flame grilled burger, or homemade buffalo chicken bites.. Well, except my kickass black bean or chickpea burgers, and seitan buffalo bites. And the list goes and goes. Every dish I LOVE involving meat, can be done cheaper, healthier, and more economically than the meat based alternatives. Hell, I actually prefer my ground beef dishes to be done with at least 50% lentils!

Here's the thing. A lot of people in my life are up on their "free range" "organic" "humanely treated" meat pedestals. You do know that's complete bullshit, right? Your organic free range chickens have their bodies stuffed upside down into tubes and their throats slit. Does it really matter they they spent their days being 'free range' in a cramped barn yard? Just because you pay $8/lb for them doesn't make it ok. You're simply sending the message to the grocery store and farm that it's ok, and you'll pay more for that. For 28 years, I've been right there with you. Every excuse in the book. It's fast. They die quickly. They're not pets, they're food. Except.. in a lot of ways, chickens are mentally like dogs- only smarter! They can be awesome house pets, and I actually plan on having some chickens as pets when we purchase a home. They help keep the vermin down in the lawn.

Free range chickens prepared for slaughter

Your "cage free" eggs. Those chicken are packed into barns without room to move, and are MORE likely to be debeaked because the stress of the cramped quarters minus the cages means they are pecking the shit out of each other from the stress. I can't keep my eyes closed to this anymore. I simply can't. And until you've toured the farm you're getting your eggs and chicken from, perhaps you should rethink the 'cage free' and free range labels on your food.

Cage Free Egg Farm

Your milk- organic or not- is the same. The female cow is forcefully impregnated. When the calf is born, it is taken away from the mother immediately, so that you can drink her breast milk. MMMMmm. Bovine breast milk. And if the baby cow is female, she's raised to repeat the process. If the baby cow is male, he's either chained up and slaughtered for veal, or fed garbage for a year or so, then slaughtered. Isn't that lovely?

And here's the thing. We have NO nutritional need for milk. NONE. Everything you can get from a glass of another animal's breast milk can be found in other foods- without the rape and slaughter of animals. We're ingrained to think we need milk, and need flesh, to have a balanced diet. Nope. It's bullshit.

Here's some great information if you're interested in the myths surrounding humane farming: http://woodstocksanctuary.org/learn/the-humane-farming-myth/

Now, I don't expect everyone to make the same choice I have. Unlike my sister, who I do love, I won't ever be the type to condemn others for turning a blind eye to animal cruelty. Is it wrong? Yes. Unfortunately, we live in a society that condones it. And for more than half of my expected life span, so have I. So the only thing I can do is share information and make choices within my own family.

So, around here. Liam doesn't care about eating meat or not. So that's easy. He'll be weaned off bovine milk by using hemp, almond, and coconut milk. i refuse to use soy products in my home, so soy milk is not an option. Haven will never be introduced to those things. Seth can eat whatever he wants. I do most of the cooking, and he's never complained about meat-free meals when I've done them for financial reasons, so no big deal. If he specifically requests meat, I'll cook it for him, or he can cook it. This house is democratic. I would never try to force my spouse into doing something. And when the kids are offered meat by him, he has the right as their father to do that.

I do need to maintain a controlled carb diet. So my sister will be helping me adapt recipes and foods to fit my nutritional needs, while balancing that with the meals we love to eat. It's a big change, especially right now. But one I feel confident in.

The New Year

I'm mostly writing this post today because I'm having a bout with false labor and I'm irritated by it. Keeping my brain busy will take my mind off other stuff. And a lot of the blogs I read are starting to post about debt elimination, new year resolutions, and lifestyle changes. All positive, all inspiring.

So, what will the new year bring us? A new baby. A new outlook. A new budget.

Right now, we spend about $450 making minimum payments on credit cards. That doesn't include the car payment and cell phones. We are expecting a decent sized tax return this year- so we'll be using it to eliminate as many of the credit cards as we can so that we can apply more money to finish paying them off. From there, we will begin aggressively paying down our car until it is also paid off. Lastly, we'll be switching to Straight Talk for our cell phones- which will save us about $80/month.

So, how will we stick to it? Well, we do plan to keep 4 of the cards open. Two large ones and two small ones. The large ones will be kept at Seth's office as they will hold as our emergency fund. Meaning, the car breaks down, our house burns down, REAL emergencies. The two smaller ones consist of one card in either of our names. Those will be used for specific expenses, as well as shopping. They both offer rewards and such, and only let us get into trouble up to x number of dollars. And we will decline ANY limit increases. ;-) They will each be paid off, in full, every month. The rest will be cut up, paid off, and closed. The only sure way to stop using credit cards is to no longer have the accounts.

When we build up emergency savings in the amounts of the larger cards, they will too be closed. The smaller ones will only remain because many places like hotels, car rentals, etc. won't accept a debit card- and we like to travel. But again, they'll be paid off monthly. I trust us to that extent.

We're just done. Thank God we're as young as we are and realizing our many mistakes. By the time the kids are school age, we should be debt free, and own a paid in cash home. So every bit of it is worth it, and we're both willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do it- whatever the cost. I think that's where my confidence in it comes from. Same goal, same drive to make it happen.

Right now, my plan is to finish this last few courses as fast as possible, and generate some money from home. Next week I'll be listing ALL my maternity clothes on ebay. I don't wear most of them, and the few things I do wear won't matter soon anyway. I believe I have about $200 worth. After that, its on to selling off the mountain of clothes and purses I have. Most of it goes unworn, some still with tags. I only wear about a dozen pieces total. And I literally have a closet and about 3-4 totes and boxes full of clothes. To me, it's all clutter and needs to go. So it will.

I LOVE being in purge mode. Ha!

Sometimes...

18 days until I'm due. I hadn't realized we were so close until I opened up an app I've been using to track my pregnancy. I have no clue if we'll make it that far. I'd like to, but I'm already past the point where I had Liam. So this is all new to me. I'm assuming it's pretty much going to stay the same, except with more whining from me about how massively huge I am. ;-) And I am massively huge, lol.

See?

My sister was so nice and asked me if I was sure I wasn't having twins. Mean devil woman. Not all of us have those perfect little round basketball bumps that magically go flat after birth to the point no one would know we were even pregnant unless we said so, Jennifer! I still was carrying my bump from Liam's pregnancy when I got pregnant with this one. ;-) Seriously. With no weight gain, and a loss of over 30lbs, I was still in maternity shirts before I hit 12 weeks.

We decided that we're done having babies for a while. Probably until these two are in school. With the issues I've had with both pregnancies, I want to be as healthy as possible before we do this again. 5 years seems like plenty of time to get my butt in shape and my health where it needs to be. Then we'll do our "two under 2" again. :-)

So, enough with the rambling and onto the meat and potatoes of this post.

This where the post gets cute and barfy, lol. Blame my hormones, or skip the rest if you're not in the mood for some mush.

Sometimes I am a raving lunatic. And that can last for days, weeks, or months, depending on what level of depression has taken over. It is something that has been getting progressively better, but is exhausting, takes a lot of work, and wouldn't be a remote possibility if I were trying to cope and heal all  on my own. Thankfully, I have this man:

There he is with barely a day old Liam. And this is singly my most favorite photo of my husband. 

Anyway. We've been together for just a few days over 3 1/2 years. And through that, he has put up with so much. My struggles with depression and a few other emotional difficulties. My crazy ass family. Financial difficulties. Marital issues. Infertility. Crazy pregnant wife. Sleepless nights with a colicky newborn. And all the fun that comes along with a growing toddler and sometimes emotionally unstable wife.

And somehow, he chose to stick by me through it all. No matter what, he's been there. Even when I gave him plenty of reason to not be. There have been plenty of times he could have left. And should have. The last month or so though.. Wow. We've just come together in this amazing slow dance. I feel like our life has been completely filled with the most beautiful light. We're on the same page most of the time, able to really talk about things, and just.. perfect.

I'm not naive enough to think we'll never have another argument, or never want to walk away. It happens in every marriage. But I do know that we have love. Real, true love. And we'll be able to handle whatever comes at us, because we're both active and willing participants to fight to the death for this. The moment that changes, it's all over for us. Something so special only works when both parties want it this badly.

Sometimes I wonder why he loves me. And then I realize that the 'why' isn't so important. What's important is that he does.. and that is the most special feeling in the world for me. To be loved to this extent by someone so amazing. A fantastic husband, great dad, wonderful provider. He's kind, funny, nerdy... and so so beautiful. He is why I believe in fairy tales, love at first sight, and eternity. There's no way loving someone like this can't exist forever somehow. 

Anyway, there's my mush, lol. And Seth, if you're reading this, know that I love you. From the moment I saw you for the first time, until the universe collapses in on itself. You're everything... and then some.

:-)

Almost there...

Our Thanksgiving was really nice. :-) Small, intimate, just my parents, us, my siblings, and my nieces and nephew. We laughed, made food, and just enjoyed our time together.

The day began with a beautiful sunrise. Mornings like that remind me just how beautiful life can be, and how blessed I am to wake up every day knowing I am loved, cherished, and will be forever. 

During the festivities, Liam got completely filthy, as little boys should. He played, and ran, and visited with his cousins. He's closer in age to our freshly year old nephew than the older girls (who already find little kids annoying), so he played big cousin and helped keep little Remy occupied while the mommies cooked.

We finally got a decent photo of Seth and I, though as usual, he looks less than thrilled to get his photo taken. Which is such a shame, because he really does have the most amazing smile I've ever seen. It's what drew me into him, held me, and keeps me waiting to see him smile now. So, goal for Haven's birth- get my sexy man to smile in a photo or two. ;-)

I have about 20 days until my due date. But I'm fairly certain my little guy will make his entrance sooner. I'm having more frequent contraction episodes, and will need to discuss induction on Wednesday with my OB. It's not so much  medical necessity at this point. I'm normally against inductions for non-medical reasons. However, our child care plans for Liam involve my mother in law coming- and she lives over 2 hours away. Then the hospital is another 65 miles in the opposite direction. So, let's say my water breaks and we call her. Depending on where she is and the time of day, it could be an hour or better before she can head this way, 2 hours for her to arrive, then 90 minutes for us to drive to the hospital. And that's if the weather is perfect, roads dry and clear. Bad weather? We're screwed. She can't leave work? Equally screwed. 

My mom could head down in an emergency- but even then it'd be 3-4 hours before she could get here. So that leaves us, what, taking Liam with us? I suppose that's the only option in an emergency, but something I'd like to avoid if possible. Option 2- leaving them home and delivering Haven. By myself. Alone in the hospital. Yeah, no thanks. So, I'm going against myself and seeing if they'd be open to induction. Because outside of that, my last resort is to deliver locally and pray that Haven's blood glucose levels don't require him to be air lifted to a hospital with a NICU- without his mommy.

All else is great here. :-)

Thankful

The thing I am most thankful for this year is a so far uneventful pregnancy. I can only hope the next 26 days or so go just as smoothly. I get so excited watching him move around, and scared at the same time. A couple women on a birth board forum I'm on have had late pregnancy losses, and that scares the shit out of me. All I can do is the kick counts and stay positive. :-)

I'm still not at all nervous about anything having to do with taking care of both kids. Liam, despite diving head first into the terrible 2's, is pretty independent, loves babies, and is not a hard kid at all. I'm barely sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night, and am generally laying awake for at least a couple hours anyway. I am thankful that the support of my family makes me feel secure that we can reach out for help if we need it.

I am especially thankful today for my husband. For reasons too numerous to even describe here. Condensed version: he's amazing. Supportive. Kind. Tolerant of my hormonal craziness.

So, our Thanksgiving plan is fairly simple. A few family members are coming down and we're using the meeting house here to host dinner. My mom is bring the dinner rolls, dessert, scalloped corn (which I will eat myself into a coma on), and green bean casserole. We'll be making everything else.

That's it from this end. Enjoy your week, and holiday!

35/36 Weeks

Tomorrow, I start my 36th week of pregnancy. That means, if I am allowed to naturally go into labor, I likely have 5-6 weeks left of pregnancy. If I end up needing to be induced, it would be in 2-3 weeks. I cannot even imagine holding my little baby boy 2-3 weeks from now! We have the bassinet, the clothes, etc, but this pregnancy has gone by so quickly that it's still not hit me that I'M HAVING A BABY.

The weeks dating is still pissing me off, lol. If We're IN November, we're in the 11th month. If I'm in the 36th week of pregnancy, I consider myself 36 weeks. Apparently, I'm not 36 weeks until the week is over? But I'm 8 months when I'm in the 8th month, not after. So whatever. The world says I'm 35 weeks, 0 days tomorrow. I say 36 weeks, and screw 'em.

My biggest concern is Liam. Irrational concern, by the way. I have some fear that he'll grow up all fucked up because he didn't get enough attention when I had Haven. Silly, isn't it? People have been having more than one child forever. And (most) older siblings grow up just fine.

I'm not worried about sleepless nights. Liam has me up around 3:30am most days, and never sleeps later than 5:30-6 for some unknown reason. Time change? Maybe. But it started prior to that. He just wants to be up. And I'm having insomnia like crazy. Sleep from 8 to 10, up to pee, sleep until 12, up to pee, wide awake around 1:30, fight until 3 or so to go back to sleep, up with Liam at 3:30, sleep until he gets up. So it's not like I'm sleeping well! Maybe 4-5 hours a night?

I'm not worried about Seth and I. We're good. My concern about PPD will be carefully monitored by my OB, who have been made fully aware that my last bout with PPD resulted in some major issues.

One thing I am going to need to seek counseling for is this paranoia. I had it while pregnant with Liam, and it's back. It's the fear of my children being kidnapped, sexually abused, etc. Not being able to protect them. It is terrifying. While pregnant the last time, and up until Liam was probably 8 or 9 months old, I slept with a knife under the mattress. Seth kept finding them. I honestly had no recollection of putting them there, but knew that I had. I haven't gone to that extreme this time, but I have considered buying a baseball bat, and applying for a handgun permit. I realize it's crazy. I do. But when 75% of my college education has been based in kids with various issues and how they got that way, you begin to see how prevalent abuse actually is within our society. I don't want my children to be a statistic. And if that means buying a gun so I feel like I can protect them from an intruder who means us or them harm, so be it. I have NO hesitation in shooting someone who enters my home uninvited. None. For me, our desire to live in a rural area cements my defensive weapon goal even more.

End crazy tangent, lol.

So, I feel pretty rotten. Sore. Fat. Tired. Hormonal. But, it's par for the course really. I don't know anyone who hits this point in their pregnancy and is sad that the end is near, lol. I love being pregnant. I do not like being 8 months pregnant.

Overall, life is pretty ok. I've decided to not pursue my education with the same college. Because, screw them, that's why. I found out that Arizona State University has an online program. I'm applying there. Worst case, some of my credits don't transfer, or I need some different/additional courses. It's better than I'm dealing with now. And tuition is only about $1000/year more than the SUNY school. Seth thinks it's maybe a good idea to wait until the summer term to start, and I agree to a point. School will be hard with a toddler and newborn. However, so will scraping the money together for student loan payments when my deferment runs out. And it has. I have a payment due in December. I'll figure it out, whatever way it goes. :-)

That's it from this end. Don't expect Foodie Pen Pal posts for a couple of months. I've decided to stop doing that until we've established some sort of real routine around here.

34 Weeks

I am 34 weeks pregnant today! 6 weeks until I'm due, but likely only 4 until I deliver. We'll be scheduling my induction at my next appointment in two weeks. It's so crazy to think that before Christmas, which is right around the corner, I'll have my second child.

Here's a photo from my prenatal appointment on Wednesday:

My belly has dropped quite a bit. Which isn ice because I can breathe, but I'm definitely waddling along instead of walking normally. This appointment was ridiculous. I scheduled it for 8am, thinking I'd be in and out. Seth stayed home with Liam, so I left the house around 6:15am. I got there right on time. I had an ultrasound around 8:30, then waited some more. Then they tried to do an NST... after a little over an hour, Haven was simply not wanting to wake up enough, so I had to go back to ultrasound for a biophysical profile. Then more waiting, then seeing a nurse. then the nutritionist, then a nurse again. I finally headed home around NOON!

And I get to do it all over again in two weeks, then two weeks after that, then we start weekly if I haven't been induced by then. What a pain. Before I get pregnant again, I'm getting my ass to a healthy weight and in shape. I never should have gotten pregnant with my weight and health the way they were this time.

So, that's all going on here. I can register for classes on November 6th. I'm doing 2 part time terms for sure, then I'll just need one full time after that to graduate. I'll be so glad when it's over.

Foodie Pen Pal October 2012

So, this month, my box is from Pamela in sunny Florida! She included some great items, and I honestly can't wait to try out the recipes she included.

Here's my box:

Top row L to R: Plantain chips, coconut water, marinade, and a tea she recommended.
Bottom row L to R: recipes, plantains, then three snacks- peas, trail mix, and corn nuts better tasting big brother. :-)

I can't believe Liam tore right into the chips and really seems to enjoy them. I think that if I end up not using all the plantains in a recipe, I'll fry the rest into chips!

I love coconut water, but never seem to keep it in the house- so this is a real treat for me. If you've never had it, please give it a try. Though its miracle uses are largely unfounded, I will say that for me, it acts in the same way Pedialyte or Gatorade would. Replenished. Refreshed.

My plan for the plantains is to try something easy first. I think I'll go this route: Tortas de Plátano

Seth used the marinade for pork chops, and although I didn't have any, they smelled delicious and he really enjoyed them.  We devoured the packaged treats! Seth and Liam tore into the crunchy peas and the corn, and I had the trail mix.



Here’s a detailed explanation of Foodie Pen Pals:
-On the 5th of the month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.
-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your penpal!
-The boxes are to be filled with fun foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!
-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)
-Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you can choose to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month.
- Foodie Penpals is open to US, Canadian residents & UK residents.  Please note, Canadian Residents will be paired with other Canadians only. We’ve determined things might get too slow and backed up if we’re trying to send foods through customs across the border from US to Canada and vice versa. So, I’m going to keep two separate lists and match US w/ US and Canada w/ Canada!

Frankenstorm

So, we live in central NY. While we're not in nearly the treacherous position that the oceanside areas getting hit by the hurricane are, we are in an area where two storm systems are going to collide. It is somewhat likely that we'll lose power. We're in a rural area on top of wide open, unprotected hills. So, how are we planning for this storm?

First- we are completely unconcerned about flooding. When the landlord built the community, he specifically planned the landscaping to control and water runoff- including preventing flooding. And, coincidentally/luckily, he just dug two new ponds in the last two weeks. We're also lucky in that our yard ends in a large hill. At the bottom of that hill is huge ditches that ultimately lead to big gully down the road a bit.

Later today, we'll go fill up the gas tank in the car.

My only concern at this point is losing power- and that is only because our only source of heat at that point would be our gas stove. So if I'm not cooking, there's no heat flowing. We'd likely just pile on the blankets, dress in layers, and hope for the best.

Seth has an old cell phone with a radio tuner in it- meaning we can use it as a radio. And we also have several spare batteries for it. So we'll use that to keep up on the weather if our internet should go out and we cannot use our cell phones' data.

We went and spent a whopping $15 on food and bottled water. We're on a well here. No electricity means no water. We just got some soup and stuff. The freezer is full, so we'd likely just eat from there. But in the event we're without power for an extended time, the soups and things will keep us fed until we can get somewhere else.

We made sure we have enough pet food to last a week if need be. The cat can also eat cooked meat from the freezer and the rabbit can eat green yanked from the lawn.

Absolute worst case scenario, we'd listen for traffic reports and attempt to make the drive to my parents' place once the storm passes. They heat with wood, and keep a 3-4 MONTH food supply on hand at all times. Now, there are two major valleys between here and there on the 40 mile stretch. I'm actually not concerned. One is the city of Ithaca. It is flanked on all sides by massive gorges, and the actual city wraps around the end of a lake. The way the town is built, up and down hills, tells me that the town can handle some water volume. The second is Watkins Glen, a smaller town that is set up similarly to Ithaca. All roads between the two places are fairly high set, as is the road between Watkins Glen and my parent's house.

I anticipate sitting on my couch through some heavy storming, needing to reschedule a prenatal appointment (it's scheduled for 8am Wednesday, directly after the storm has smacked Syracuse), and freaking out every time the house creaks in the wind. I don't foresee any issues. But, it's never bad to be prepared.

Speaking on being prepared. This incident has reminded me how unprepared we would be in an actual unforeseen emergency. Bluntly, we'd be screwed. I can tell myself I'll eat soon if there's no food available. Try explaining that to a toddler or two.

So, our plan after this is to buy one of these per month: 30 Day Food Pail

When we move in June, I also plan to do a few 50 gallon water storage systems, a basic emergency preparedness kit, and a few other things. I'd like to do this all now, but quite frankly- we have no where to store any of it, and I really don't want to move it all in 7 months.

I also plan to oven can dried goods. Some estimates put the shelf life of oven canned dried goods at high as 20 years. Canning a dried soup mix would be far cheaper than anything else I could preserve.

So, good luck to you and yours if you're in the path of the storm! And to anyone else, I'll post once the air clears. ;-)




Edited to add: We received an awesome email from the landlord today. It basically said our heating systems do not require electricity, but in the even the pilot goes out, call him and he'll come light it. The entire water supply here has a backup generator system, so we won't lose water. And the stuff that the electricity runs- tv, internet, lights, etc., are non issues that we planned for.

So, we'll definitely be sticking it out at home. :-)

Fall Soup (vegan friendly)

I'm feeling soupy today. Seth has a work dinner, at my FAVORITE restaurant. *jealous* For whatever reason, if I can't snuggle up to my man, I wanna snuggle up to a huge mug of soup. As usual, excuse the lack of photos. I have no forethought at all. I will take pics of my super cool frog mug full o' soup later though. This is one of those 'throw random shit in a pot' recipes.

Here's what I did:

In a pat of butter (or your favorite vegan alternative), saute some diced onion and cooked brussels sprouts (or cabbage) until it all has a nice crust on it. Then toss in some diced potato and turn the heat down a bit. Give it a stir every couple of minutes while you do the next step. Open a can of white kidney beans and dump into a bowl. Using a potato masher or fork, mash until lumpy potatoes consistency. Toss the mash and another can of white kidney beans into the pan. Add a little more butter or alternative, then just stir until the mashed beans incorporate themselves. Add in some stock of your choosing, salt and pepper to taste, and slowly simmer until the potatoes are done.

This literally took me five minutes of 'work' to make.

Cohesive ingredients, using the above method:

1 medium sweet onion, diced
2 cups cooked brussels sprouts, diced
3T butter, or vegan alternative
1 large white potato
2 cans white kidney beans
12oz stock/broth
salt and pepper to taste

This made about 1.5 quarts of soup. That'll feed us dinner tonight (Liam and I), and lunch for all three of us tomorrow. God, I love soup. It just makes me want to curl up with slippers, a blanket, and a big steamy mug.

32 Weeks

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today. It's so crazy to think about this pregnancy. I remember being about 12 weeks along and so terrified of early miscarriage. Then 18 weeks finding out we were having another boy. Those experiences seem so far away! We're nearing the finish line now. I have less than 2 months before my due date, but likely only 4-6 weeks before being induced. I'm excited and terrified all at once. However, I surprised my Dr. I was able to stabilize most of my glucose levels without added intervention. I just changed my eating.

I have nearly everything we need. Seth's amazing coworker sold us a car seat, two bases, and a bassinet for $100. I'm honestly not in love with the bassinet. I'm thinking of either selling it or donating it to a mama in need. The one I REALLY want can be found on eBay for $50-60, instead of the $150 it currently retails for. So, aside from that, I just need some boob stuff and more 0-3m clothes. I'm planning on buying disposable nursing pads at first, just to see what the filling up is like so I can gauge how many cloth pads to buy. I also want to get gel pads, nipple shields (inverted nipples), a lactation aid that kind of pumps up the nipple, and some more comfy nursing bras and tanks. And yoga pants. Ohhhhh, how I need new yoga pants. :-)

We have a gently used baby gear store called Mama Goose. I'm planning on selling off my maternity clothes there, as well as the baby gear we don't use. I can get 60% of whatever they plan to sell it for as store credit. That'll buy my baby clothes. Everything Haven outgrows will be taken there. I may actually take this bassinet there. It's a great store. Cheaper than Salvation Army or Goodwill, doesn't smell funny, awesome staff, and an incredible selection of everything. Had I known, I would have gotten my Ergo carrier there instead of paying full retail. Same thing with all the crap we've been buying Liam! Clothes he outgrows in less than a month. Toys he gets bored with in a week. Eh, live and learn.

Outside of that, life is good. I have the option of returning to school in January. I'm inquiring about finishing my last 7 courses on a part time status. I can't do full time with a toddler and newborn. It means finishing a few months later than I wanted. But, by the time I finish, we'll know more about Seth's role at work, my ability to find work, and if we can afford to hire someone to come in while I go back to work. Ideally, the timing will work so my mother in law can babysit for us full time, help us homeschool, and quit her job! All I need to do is make enough to pay her for that. Why would I work a job just to break even on child care?

Well, here's why: I have the patience of a honey badger, lol. I struggle daily with my role in my home. My MIL is amazing. She thrived as a SAHM- even going so far as writing the lesson plans FOR her kids' teachers! Her children are all well adjusted, amazing people. And she now lives for her grandkids. :-) She is honestly a far better caregiver and teacher than I'll ever be. I am confident enough in my self to admit that. I do think I'm an awesome mom. But when it comes down to it, she's a better pick for the home school, toddler wranglin', house managing caregiver. For me, it's not any different than hiring a nanny, except she's family. And we love her to pieces. I'm a better money maker. I LOVE being home with my babies while they're young. But let's face reality. I'll likely never make enough money to allow my husband to stay home with the kids, even though that's our dream. So the next best thing is his mom. :-)

I wanted to share our plan for if my little trooper ends up in the NICU. The hospital is almost 70 miles from us. There's no way I'll be able to come home until he can. So, my mother in law already plans to be here with Liam while we're having the baby. We'll have her stay here with Liam for however long she planned to, then we'll come get Liam when I get discharged and stay at he Ronald McDonald House near the hospital. A neighbor can feed the pets. Seth can 'work from home' up there so he's not eating into his vacation time home with us. That will allow me to be at the hospital everyday to pump, feed my baby, care for him, hold him, without having to worry about Seth and Liam. I am hoping every day that he can cook until he's ready and be discharged with me, but there is a plan in place if there's a problem.

Well, that's it from our end. Things are good. :-)

32 week belly. :-) I'm still DOWN 29lbs from pre-pregnancy weight.

Sad. Discouraged.

I had my 30 week OB appointment today. Boy, was that rough.

My diabetes is out of control, despite our best efforts. I'm eating half the carbohydrates they want, I'm taking an obscene amount of insulin. And, no change. My blood glucose levels will not come down. So now we're discussing early induction. I don't mean a week early. I mean 4-6 weeks early- or more. It's hitting a point where he'll be better off in the NICU than in my body.

What a devastating feeling as a mother, to know that my body, his home, his womb, is what is causing these issues.

So, as a last ditch effort, they're letting me handle it. My insulin was upped again. But I am free to make my own diet choices. So, extreme low carb it is. Basically, living on meat, cheese, eggs, and salad veggies. Not impossible, but boring. But, my child is worth it. If they told me I had to live on water and sunshine to make sure he's safe, you can bet I'd do it. I have 3 weeks to get this in check. At that point, we'll decide if we're ok, or if we need to schedule my induction for soon there after.

I just can't wrap my head around this. I'm crying. I'm scared to eat. I had one chicken nugget. 2.5 carbs. A typical American meal is 40-50carbs or more. Those 2.5 upset me so much, I made myself go and throw it up. I'll likely cook up an actual piece of chicken and have just that for dinner. It's the only thing I feel safe eating.

Please body, just let him safely remain inside, away from needles and tubes... just for a while longer....

Foodie Pen Pal!

I am a foodie pen pal.


So, this month I got a box from Debbi.

From L to R: Spaghetti Squash, Pepper Jam, Chocolate Zucchini Bread, and the front guy is a pretzel roll her kids insisted she send. :-) She also sent some fantastic recipes that I can't wait to try.

We loved everything in this box. I had never had spaghetti squash or pepper jam! My mom and I shared the squash for lunch, and it was super easy to cook- and yummy to eat! Pepper jam was also new to me, but was great on some crackers with cream cheese.

SOME DETAILS: 

-On the 5th of every month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.
-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your  penpal!
-The boxes are to be filled with fun  foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!
-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)
- Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you are to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month.
-Foodie Penplas is open to US & Canadian residents.  Please note, Canadian Residents will be paired with other Canadians only. We've determined things might get too slow and backed up if we're trying to send foods through customs across the border from US to Canada and vice versa.

So, if you'd like to get involved, follow this guy down here.

$3 Holla!

I made a dinner so delicious, so yummy smelly, so damned cheap, I made it two nights in a row. And now you can too!

And yes, my cell phone photos ROCK. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to turn a beautiful plate of food into the blob you see above. Ahem.

So, the recipe.
1 boneless skinless chicken breast, sliced (You can use more, but I'm a cheapass)
1/2 bag frozen green beans, or ANY veg you like
1 prepared box of stuffing OR 3C stuffing OR 3C mashed potatoes
1 can cream of whatever soup OR 1.5C gravy
salt and pepper
1/8C butter

1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Butter a casserole pan.
3. Lay chicken across bottom, then season with salt and pepper.
4. Add frozen beans or veg in a layer.
5. Pour over soup or gravy.
6. Add stuffing or mashed taters layer.
7. Optional- sprinkle on shredded cheese
8. Bake for 35-45 minutes. 35 to cook the chicken, 45 to really crisp the topping.

Be amazed, lol. This feeds 5 generous portions, or 6 if you're also having a salad.

Chicken- approx. $1.10
Beans - $.50
Stuffing- $.50, or homemade mashed, $.25
Soup- $.80
Butter and seasonsings- $.10-12?

Total: $3.00 ish.

Rndom Thoughts on a Sunday

Gender Roles

I don't believe in gender roles, gender specific behavior, or raising my child is a gender specific environment. My son is all boy, that's for sure. But when he asks me to polish his toenails, I do it. Some people in my life have issues with that. Frankly, that is their issue to have, not mine.

I only want 3 things from my children: for them to choose a path in life where they can support themselves and their lifestyle, for them to be honest and productive, and for them to choose a life that makes them happy. I don't care if that means my sons end up brain surgeons with wives and children, single Walmart overnight stockers, or have gender reassignments surgery to become housewives named Stella. Whatever makes them happy and fulfilled is fine with me.

I don't subscribe to boys being all blue and playing with trucks and girls shrouded in pink and bows and playing with Barbies. I let Liam, and will let Haven choose their own toys, their clothes, and make their own opinions without me shoving gender based ideas down their throats.

Someone on a forum I frequent was upset because her family has told her that she needs to be more feminine to raise a girl "the right way". What is the right way? And why does the physical appearance of a parent have any bearing on the well being of a child? In my eyes, physical appearance has no bearing on parenting ability.

I hope that my sons are able to grow up being confident and comfortable in their own skin, and are capable of making their own choices and forming their own opinions without their penises being a factor in that decision making.

Fall

It's officially FALL! The leaves are beginning to change, all things apple and pumpkin are out, and I am loving the chill in the air in the evenings. I can't wait for next month. Hay rides, pumpkin patches, and hopefully adding a new rabbit to our house. The farm we're going to for our Halloween festivities raises rabbits- and they have long hair rabbits. Weeeeeee!!! :-D

Pregnancy

I'm good, but boy am I ready for this to be over. I'm exhausted!!

Our Budget, exposed

This will be an incredibly embarrassing post for me. Our financial state is 100% decisions I have made. My husband is not blameless, in that he does allow me complete control of our finances. But, the mess we're climbing out of is indeed my fault. We do end up with 'free' money at the end of every month, and it is currently being applied to pay off credit cards, and prepare for the arrival of Haven in December.

Income: $4100 monthly

Expenses:
$1375 Rent
$ 276 Car Payment
$ 88 Car Insurance
$ 170 Cell Phones
$ 60 Internet and home phone
$ 150 NYSEG (utilities)
$ 200 Gas (because family is so far away as is my doctor)
$ 60 Bus Pass (Seth takes the bus to work)
$ 400 Groceries
$ 75 Melaleuca (cleaning products, toiletries, etc.)
$ 17 Hlu/Netflix (we don't have cable tv, and can't get over the air here)

Total: $2871, leaving a net amount of $1229.

The above expenses are every month until June, when we plan to move to a significantly less expensive apartment or house. We love where we live, but can no longer justify the cost. And with a move back closer to where we were before being in the realm of possibility, cutting expenses as much as we can is really important.

Where does the net amount go?

$ 75 Care Credit - we used this card when we needed contacts and glasses.
$ 25 Maurices - will be paid and CLOSED next month.
$ 25 Capital One M - mine
$ 25 HSBC - Seth
$ 50 Eating Out
$ 60 Old Navy - will be paid off and then strictly budgeted
$ 60 Bill Me Later - still paying off last Christmas! Will be paid off and closed
$100 Amazon - mine. Will be paid off and left open but not used (to build credit)
$ 75 Capital One S - Seth. Will be paid off and left open (credit building)
$ 75 Bank of America - Seth Will be paid off and left open (credit building)

So, those are the minimums we pay on those cards right now. That's a total of $970. OUCH!


We're doing a modified snowball for these. Paying them off in order from smallest to largest, then rolling the minimums on the paid off cards into the next biggest. By doing this, we can have all of these cards paid completely off in under a year. We are choosing to leave some open, either based on rewards (Old Navy, my Capital One, etc.), or to build our credit. Quite honestly, our credit isn't so hot, and we'd like to fix that.

Additionally, Seth is taking a promotion at work. Whatever raise that comes with will also be thrown into paying these debts off, and when that is done, it'll be diverted into a separate savings account back home, where we'd physically have to go in to make withdrawals.

So, what's left? $259.

Right now, we don't budget it.

We have a baby on the way that we do need some things for, Liam is growing like a weed, and we're using the money to deal with both of those things. Additionally, Seth and I pull our spending money from that pile. It's not a system for everyone, but it works for us. Any 'extra' money we have left, including bills that were less than expected, goes right to paying down/off a credit card.

 So, there you have it. Ad it should be obvious as to WHY I'm working so hard to cut our expenses absolutely as much as I can. I don't want to drown in debt.  


Baby budget:
We've scaled this back. I've decided to buy a cheaper version of the bassinet I chose, for a nearly 50% savings.

I will buy the cloth diaper system I want- in pieces. In the meantime, I'll be scooping up what I can from the gently used $1,3,5 bins at our local baby store and making it work. I did prefolds with Liam, so the $1 bin fitteds will be a step up as far as I'm concerned.

We won't be buying a car seat. Liam's convertible is not even 2 years old. So, Haven goes in that. Liam will go into my niece's outgrown car seat, that is actually a better fit for his lanky body. That choice alone saves us well over $100.

I'm recruiting my mom and friends to scour yard sales for newborn and 0-3m footed pajamas and the like. At tax time, we'll worry about the rest. I'm just looking to get through until then. I figure he needs clothes, a bed, diapers, and my breasts to make it through. And a car seat for travel. We'll buy what we need as we need it. :-)

My one splurge has been an ERGObaby carrier with all the attachments and accessories. I literally cannot feel the 30+lbs. of Liam in it!



Here's a photo of my guys at my mom's over last weekend.

Kicked out of school! (YES! Really!)

So, I got informed yesterday that I was being dropped from my academic program. Why? Because LAST TERM I didn't complete enough credits to fulfill my school's requirements. It was nice of them to tell me 18 weeks later, when I'm already participating in this terms classes. The dean has the ability to overstep policy on a case by case basis and just issue me a warning that basically says to pass all registered classes and complete all remaining courses in a timely manner. I have seven courses left- and planned on 2 this term (with the baby), 3 in spring, and finish the last two in the summer.

The dean said no, student services won't help. I can't self pay because 1- we can't afford it, and 2- they won't let me enroll until I win an appeal- that I can't even pursue until November. I can't go to a different college because this academic suspension basically turns off my eligibility for financial aid until my school says I'm ok to return to classes.

How did this happen? No one bothered to actually send me the written warning, as per college policy, that this was going to be an issue. In fact, I specifically asked about this last term and was told my student services and my advisor that my academic progress and financial aid would NOT be affected, AT ALL, by me needing to withdraw from a curse last term. Apparently, that was a huge load of shit.

Also, had they told me last term- I could have taken CLEP exams (exams that show you have the knowledge the class taught), or credit by evaluation (same thing almost- you write one bigass paper) for 4 classes I KNOW I would have passed- and then taken the final 3 courses this term! But since no one gave me the warning that is school policy to give, that is no longer an option.

Oh, and the big EFF YOU! I am sitting on $400 worth of books that I applied towards my financial aid to pay for. So I owe the goddamn school for those! Resale value for the entire lot- $50. For brand new, never been opened books.

So, I get to spend the fall 2012 term twiddling my thumbs and eating up my loan deferment. Then trying to convince them to let me finish my degree. I guess it'll give me a lot of time to work on our bare bones budget, figure out how to cheaply provide for the babies, and crochet? Felt some wool? Stare at the wall? I spend a lot of time with Liam (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) but he likes his independent time....

Ugh.

We live here...

And I'm hoping to do a home tour next week sometimes. :-) If you're interested in learning more about the community, the website is here.

27 Weeks

Tomorrow, I hit 27 weeks into this pregnancy. Based on the likelihood that I'll be induced 2 weeks early, I only have 11 weeks left. It's so crazy to think that its coming so fast. I'm not ready, lol!

Really, I'm not. We haven't bought anything, and probably will not until October. We know this baby will cost us about $500 in supplies, and we have about $5000 of our stupid high deductible to pay. Those bills will start rolling in sometime in December. My hope is to make arrangements to pay with next year's tax return. So, financially, no worries.

Emotionally, I'm doing better. Liam and I have been having less stressful days. At least once a week, I say 'screw the housework!' and we just play all day. The dust bunnies and dishes don't mind. Liam can now get into the fridge. It was cute when he'd bring the gallon of milk for a refill. Not so cute now that I'm finding fruit, butter, syrup, etc all over the house. So, I'll be installing fridge and cupboard locks this weekend. He's also refusing to wear pants, so he's pretty just been in a diaper and t-shirt if we're going to just be hanging out at home. I'm usually in my pajamas most of the day, so whatever.

Physically, I feel good. The sciatica is gone, thankfully. I'm massively huge, but that comes along with being pregnant I suppose.

Husbandly... eh.. Same old. Minimal physical contact, not much communication. I guess on the positive side, we're not fighting. I hate feeling like I'm just raising my kids with my best friend... but I guess it's better than raising them with an enemy or something.

School starts Monday. Wish I had thought this one out. I'll have a month of classes after Haven is born. I'm going to email my instructors this week because they are able to issue me an 'incomplete' at the end of the term and give me something like 17 weeks to catch up the work. If I can do that with essays and stuff, that would be ideal.

I am now a Foodie Pen Pal! I'll explain all that in my next post. ;-)

Food Poisoning? Really?!

As effortlessly as I seem to handle pregnancy (*snortsnortsnort*), sometimes situations arise that even I can't handle. Today was one of them. I found myself projectile vomiting across my living room around 11 am.

Liam. Walked. Through. It.

I manage to clean it, and him, up.. just in time to vomit again - in the SAME SPOT!

I started having some cramping. My brain immediately went to "OH SHIT! KIDNEY STONES!". And then we calmed down and remembered that kidney stones HURT. So, I clean up, put Liam in the car and head to meet up with Seth for lunch and go to Target to get my FLYlady control journal supplies. Well, we made it the 1/4 mile tothe gas stattion, got gas and left. Then proceeded to pull over twice in as many miles for me to open the door, pray to God a car wouldn't take my head off, lean out the door and vomit.

Repeat in Target parking lot, so we skipped that. When we got to Seth's work, I called my OB. They recommended being seen if I threw up or had more pain. I hung up, and started cramping. So, off we went.

The visit went fast. I'm fine, baby is fine. The DR believes it to be food poisoning. Greeeattt. So, I'll be tossing my V8 and onion dip since they were the only things I had eaten.

Seriously, whats next?? So far it's been placenta previa (fixed), diabetes, sciatica, migraines, weird shoulder/neck pain, something wonky in my right foot, a bartholin cyst, and now this. How about I just fall and break my leg and call it good? Sigh...

Hurt Feelings

My mother in law texted me wishes for a happy birthday on my birthday. My own parents completely forgot... despite having seen them 2 days prior... Nothing from my siblings, friends... no one. It's occasions like that that cause me to feel so isolated and bitter. Maybe I'm bothered because I do make the calls and such on every one of their birthdays. I don't know... I really think I'll be stopping that from here on out. Why waste energy putting forth effort towards people who aren't inclined to reciprocate?

That's kind of what causes me to have no friends. At all. The only person I have to really talk to is my son. Im tired of people only calling when they need something. It's devastating knowing that I'm not worth the effort, or at least having it confirmed. I know I'm not worth shit to anyone except my child. Having that affirmed outside of my own head catches my breath sometimes. It hurts knowing that for the most part, I'm on my own. Someday my kids will find their own path outside of Mommy, and then I'll really be alone again. Seth and I can't seem to communicate outside of Liam's needs lately without ti turning into an argument of some sort. I wish we could just fix it.. I'm hormonal and insane, he's stubborn as hell.

I don't know. I'm just living a very lonely, heartbreaking existence right now.

Simplicity

I really do enjoy a life that is simple. And I feel that one of the most achievable and fulfilling steps to simplicity is within food.

The 'brunch' Liam and I had today was my personal definition of simple food. Sourdough Wasa Crispbread with hearty slices of fresh tomato, a smear of cream cheese, and salt and pepper.

I can remember my grandmother making fresh tomato sandwiches when I was growing up. Fluffy white bread, light coat of butter on both slices of bread, followed by an equally light coat of mayo, slices of tomato, and as much salt and pepper as we wanted to dump on. We'd sit at the table, tomato juice dripping to our elbows, just devouring these treats.

For some reason, that memory also brings one about my grandfather. I can remember many nights where the before bed snack for both Papa and I was steamy mugs of homemade cocoa, and dipping in slices of buttered toast. I know it sounds weird, bit it is So. Good. :-)

Dinner tonight follows the same goal. Patty melts. Burgers, caramelized onion, swiss cheese, and a tiny swipe of mayo- all grilled between slices of bread. Usually rye, but I got an Italian loaf of the reduced rack, so we're using that. For a side, it'll be whatever veggie we get at the farm stand on the way home.

Birthday..

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday, and Liam will be 19 month old as well. I got my present today from Seth. It's a beautiful bracelet inscribed with "A mother's love is the first gift we know, one we never outgrow." Simple, perfect.
Big plans for my birthday? Going to visit my mom for the day, then coming home for a Southwest Chicken Flatbread pizza thing for dinner, and sharing a 'made for 2' cake with the guys.

Everything here is going ok. We picked a name for the newest little guy. Haven Theodore. We love it, my mother hates it, lol. Oooof course she would. I have my next OB appointment on the 13th, and I'm going to ask him to call the local OB directly to try to get me back into that practice. I can't do the long drive to Syracuse. If Seth goes with me to these appointments, and he'll need to for most, he'll have no vacation time left to take when the baby is born! Unacceptable. If they won't, I'm not really sure what I'll do. :-/ Had I known what a mess this would be, I'd have told the original OB that I had no car or way to the far away offices.

Anyway, not much else to update. Things are good.

Melaleuca

Melaleuca oil is simply tea tree oil. And a fantastic company and supplier of products (350 of them) which were made 'green' before it was the cool thing to do. Not only are the products great, they are also, as I'm discovering, less expensive than the store prices for similar, but inferior, products.

My favorite product right now is Sol-U-Mel, which is a suspension of alcohol, tea tree oil of the highest quality and concentration, and green soap. Green soap is a vegetable oil based soap that is gentle, and perfect for people with skin conditions, while being effective. Sol-U-Mel is a cleaner, but it's so much more. So far, we've used it as a cleaner, air freshener, addition to bath water for diaper rash, and a added boost to sanitize laundry. It's concentrated, and one 8oz bottle will easily last us 2 or more months- for under $10.

We're also using Melaleuca Herbal Shampoo, tooth polish, and acne treatment. Next month, we'll be trying various vitamins, body products, cleaners, mouth wash, dish detergent, tea, make up, salon quality hair care and skin care and so on. The plan is to replace every product in our home that we can with a Melaleuca alternative.

So, how did we discover these products? My mom used to sell and use the line, so I was familiar with them. But, a new friend is a marketing executive and I approached her about becoming a customer. For a single $29 enrollment fee, I was in. At first, I found the minimum purchase a little steep. It's about $50-60/month. But, as we began our first order, we realized we'll actually be saving more than that every month by getting our products from here. Best part? NO shopping! I place an order, and it comes to the door.

The best part? My involvement is up to me. I can just happily buy products and save a ton of money. If I want, I can turn this into a job, a real path, promoting this company and these products. I'm not in a pyramid scheme. I'm not a typical salesperson. I USE these products. I love these products. And even if I never make a dime, I'll still buy these products, every single month.

So, if you'd like to try a product before committing, have questions, or would like to start your path to a healthier home and possibly a great career opportunity (I'm talking to youuuu stay at home mamas!), send me an email! I've got the hookup, lol.

Quickie

Just a quick update. School is kicking my butt this term! I can guarantee I'll fail one course for usre. Sighhh. Liam is great, and we're starting potty training.

And oh, right... we're HAVING ANOTHER BOY!!!!

:-D

Missing..

A friend of mine from high school has gone missing, allegedly of his own accord, and leaving a wife and children missing him terribly and his family worried sick. Please pass this along if you're in the area.

So, we're 16 weeks along. And, my have I popped. I can't see my toes! I feel good. Not great, but good.

They're sending me back to Rochester for all my OB care, and delivery. For anyone not familiar with Western NY- that's a TWO HOUR drive- each way. And I'm due in December. Anyone else see an issue with me in labor trying to make it the two hour drive up there? The plan: When I go into labor, we're driving to my mother's to get Liam settled in with her (45 minutes), then going to the nearest hospital with a maternity ward. If they say I'm not that far into labor, we'll continue on to Rochester. If I'm ready to go, guess I'm having my baby there. If the weather is bad, the farthest we're going is our local hospital.

The exception to this: I have placenta previa. The placenta is completely covering my cervix. It might go away, it might not. If not, I have to deliver via-scheduled C-Section. Logistically, that would be the ideal scenario. Motherly, not an effin chance if I can avoid it. We're made to deliver vaginally, and only in the most extreme of cases should C-Sections be done.

They'll be putting me on medication for the diabetes. My only high numbers is my fasting, which is the overnight number.

Other than that, we're good. I'm so tired! The nausea is kicking my butt. I've lost about 7lbs. But we're great. Liam is growing like a weed. Seth seems to have hit his stride with work. We're still broke, but such is life. I don't know anyone who has kids and isn't strapped, not personally anyway. We'll get through. :-)

Thoughts

I had a thought while watching Liam try to open a water bottle with a toy.

We all come into this world as naked apes. Wanting only to sleep and nurse on our mothers. As we grow, we follow a path very similar to evolution. Egg yolk. Tadpole. Baby breathing water. Birth. Breathing air. As we grow, we learn to sit up on our own. Then crawl on all fours. Then take wobbly steps. Before you know it, we're running, learning that fire is hot but useful. We develop speech- often in the form of our own distinct language before we learn to speak the words of our parents. We learn to use tools, think critically, use common sense. We grow, and evolve, and learn.

We are not born with the immediate ability to love, hate, judge, accept, and so on. We're born completely innocent. Hatred is a learned emotion and behavior. Intolerance is a learned behavior. As a toddler, or even infant, we only know that the people who rock us to sleep, change our diapers, feed us, soothe us, and play with us are the most important person in our world. We don't recognize their age, gender, biological contribution to our genetic makeup, and so on. We don't care if it's our mother and father, daddy and second daddy, grandma and grandpa, adoptive parents, biological parents, what have you. It doesn't matter. Our love, at that point, is unconditional and knows no bounds.

We first, above all else, learn to love.

So, why is hate taught to our children? More importantly, WHO is teaching hatred and intolerance to our children? What happened to these people who vomit hatred for others based on sexual orientation, race, religious affiliation, and so on? At what point did their love of every single thing in the world turn to such a cold vicious hatred? More importantly, to me anyway, why, as a society, do we allow this behavior to continue?

I want my son to be raised knowing that we are all cut from the same cloth. Race, gender, sexual orientation, and so on, do not matter. What matters is the quality of a person and the positive impact they make on the people, and world, around them. I will not teach my son to hate, or to judge, and I will not allow that type of behavior or mindset to be a part of who he is.

I want him to feel as we feel as his parents: That we love all people, as they are. The only exception to that is people who do harm to others with malicious intent, or who live their lives full of hatred. Hateful and hurtful people deserve our pity, not our love. My son will be raised to stand up for those who cannot. Children, animals, the bullied, the oppressed. He will be taught to stand up for the equality of the human race. Because when it comes down to it, we are not defined by the color of our skin, or the people we love. We should be defined by WHO we are.... and my friends, who you are is under the surface.

Yet Another Horrific OB-GYN experience

I was referred by my OB-GYN to a physician an hour away from where we live for an ultrasound. Seth, my sister in law, son and I drove there this morning for the appointment. When the doctor came into the office, he greeted us and then started asking general questions about my health and so on.
He began to ask about my recent diabetes diagnosis. I explained that I was controlling my glucose levels with diet. When I mentioned my fasting numbers, which are admittedly higher than should be, he told me I needed to be on medication. I refused, and explained a condition I have that causes that, and that I was pretty sure what was happening. He snapped "No. It's not (name of the condition). I'll call your doctor and tell them to prescribe you (whatever the drug's name is)." Even though I had refused the drug. He then went on to berate me for not wanting to take a medication that I know causes severe nausea and vomiting for me from past experience. I finally 'agreed' to take the medication just so he would stop scaring me.

Then he asked me if I smoked. I said yes, that I had cut down to 1/3 of the amount prior to getting pregnant and was planning to quit completely. He said, ver batim "Yeah ok. If you smoke, you're going to miscarry and your baby is going to die, or you're going to give birth to a stillborn baby. You'll get lung cancer and die. Your children are going to grow up to be smokers, get lung cancer and die. How much did your first child weigh?" When I answered him, he said I was "lucky" my first son wasn't dead or born too small. I was tearing up and all choked up by that point.

I finally asked him just what the purpose of the visit was since I was scheduled for just an ultrasound. We were finally escorted into the ultrasound room. My son threw a huge tantrum, so my husband and sister in law took him for a walk. I was crying because of what the doctor said. When the doctor came in, he snapped "What is your problem?" at me really loudly. I told him nothing. While he was prepping for the ultrasound, still crying I said "I really am trying to quit smoking." And he responded "You won't quit."

During the ultrasound, he tried to get me to have testing done to check for down syndrome and other birth defects. I had already refused the testing with my regular OB-GYN and told him so. He kept repeating over and over that I NEEDED to do the test because I was not caring about my baby if I didn't do it. I tried to explain that if my child had a birth defect, it wouldn't change anything and I'd love the child just the same. He kind of sneered at me and said I HAD to get the testing done. He kept badgering me until I told him that IF I decided I wanted it, I would refer to my regular OB-GYN.


At a minimum, I've contacted an attorney and will be contacting the state medical board tomorrow. Everything he did is listed under professional misconduct. I just want him to be made aware, from the department that can strip his license, that he cannot intimidate, berate, humiliate, and scare patients.

So tomorrow I'll be letting my regular OB know that they can either refer me somewhere local for my ultrasounds and the like, or I'm finding a new provider.