Sad. Discouraged.

I had my 30 week OB appointment today. Boy, was that rough.

My diabetes is out of control, despite our best efforts. I'm eating half the carbohydrates they want, I'm taking an obscene amount of insulin. And, no change. My blood glucose levels will not come down. So now we're discussing early induction. I don't mean a week early. I mean 4-6 weeks early- or more. It's hitting a point where he'll be better off in the NICU than in my body.

What a devastating feeling as a mother, to know that my body, his home, his womb, is what is causing these issues.

So, as a last ditch effort, they're letting me handle it. My insulin was upped again. But I am free to make my own diet choices. So, extreme low carb it is. Basically, living on meat, cheese, eggs, and salad veggies. Not impossible, but boring. But, my child is worth it. If they told me I had to live on water and sunshine to make sure he's safe, you can bet I'd do it. I have 3 weeks to get this in check. At that point, we'll decide if we're ok, or if we need to schedule my induction for soon there after.

I just can't wrap my head around this. I'm crying. I'm scared to eat. I had one chicken nugget. 2.5 carbs. A typical American meal is 40-50carbs or more. Those 2.5 upset me so much, I made myself go and throw it up. I'll likely cook up an actual piece of chicken and have just that for dinner. It's the only thing I feel safe eating.

Please body, just let him safely remain inside, away from needles and tubes... just for a while longer....