35/36 Weeks

Tomorrow, I start my 36th week of pregnancy. That means, if I am allowed to naturally go into labor, I likely have 5-6 weeks left of pregnancy. If I end up needing to be induced, it would be in 2-3 weeks. I cannot even imagine holding my little baby boy 2-3 weeks from now! We have the bassinet, the clothes, etc, but this pregnancy has gone by so quickly that it's still not hit me that I'M HAVING A BABY.

The weeks dating is still pissing me off, lol. If We're IN November, we're in the 11th month. If I'm in the 36th week of pregnancy, I consider myself 36 weeks. Apparently, I'm not 36 weeks until the week is over? But I'm 8 months when I'm in the 8th month, not after. So whatever. The world says I'm 35 weeks, 0 days tomorrow. I say 36 weeks, and screw 'em.

My biggest concern is Liam. Irrational concern, by the way. I have some fear that he'll grow up all fucked up because he didn't get enough attention when I had Haven. Silly, isn't it? People have been having more than one child forever. And (most) older siblings grow up just fine.

I'm not worried about sleepless nights. Liam has me up around 3:30am most days, and never sleeps later than 5:30-6 for some unknown reason. Time change? Maybe. But it started prior to that. He just wants to be up. And I'm having insomnia like crazy. Sleep from 8 to 10, up to pee, sleep until 12, up to pee, wide awake around 1:30, fight until 3 or so to go back to sleep, up with Liam at 3:30, sleep until he gets up. So it's not like I'm sleeping well! Maybe 4-5 hours a night?

I'm not worried about Seth and I. We're good. My concern about PPD will be carefully monitored by my OB, who have been made fully aware that my last bout with PPD resulted in some major issues.

One thing I am going to need to seek counseling for is this paranoia. I had it while pregnant with Liam, and it's back. It's the fear of my children being kidnapped, sexually abused, etc. Not being able to protect them. It is terrifying. While pregnant the last time, and up until Liam was probably 8 or 9 months old, I slept with a knife under the mattress. Seth kept finding them. I honestly had no recollection of putting them there, but knew that I had. I haven't gone to that extreme this time, but I have considered buying a baseball bat, and applying for a handgun permit. I realize it's crazy. I do. But when 75% of my college education has been based in kids with various issues and how they got that way, you begin to see how prevalent abuse actually is within our society. I don't want my children to be a statistic. And if that means buying a gun so I feel like I can protect them from an intruder who means us or them harm, so be it. I have NO hesitation in shooting someone who enters my home uninvited. None. For me, our desire to live in a rural area cements my defensive weapon goal even more.

End crazy tangent, lol.

So, I feel pretty rotten. Sore. Fat. Tired. Hormonal. But, it's par for the course really. I don't know anyone who hits this point in their pregnancy and is sad that the end is near, lol. I love being pregnant. I do not like being 8 months pregnant.

Overall, life is pretty ok. I've decided to not pursue my education with the same college. Because, screw them, that's why. I found out that Arizona State University has an online program. I'm applying there. Worst case, some of my credits don't transfer, or I need some different/additional courses. It's better than I'm dealing with now. And tuition is only about $1000/year more than the SUNY school. Seth thinks it's maybe a good idea to wait until the summer term to start, and I agree to a point. School will be hard with a toddler and newborn. However, so will scraping the money together for student loan payments when my deferment runs out. And it has. I have a payment due in December. I'll figure it out, whatever way it goes. :-)

That's it from this end. Don't expect Foodie Pen Pal posts for a couple of months. I've decided to stop doing that until we've established some sort of real routine around here.